All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
