Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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