Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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