just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
you inspire me to be a worse person
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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