I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
