My hand turned me down
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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