Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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