I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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