fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
