a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
