I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
