My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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