Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
