My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
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