Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
