Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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