It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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