omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
