I am in a vortex of obligation.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
