Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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