i already hear my dad disowning me
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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