he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
