I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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