Ambien. No doubt about it.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
