she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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