On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
