Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
