Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
