I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
