It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
