apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
