My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
