I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You can't just leave with hair like that
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
