How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
