Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
