I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
