but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
