I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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