Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
