I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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