If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
