he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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