On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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