"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
