I think im going to throw up on grandma
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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