Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
