Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
