Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
