I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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