I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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