did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
