My Higher Power is John Stamos
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
