I met the friendliest cop last night
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
