omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
