it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He's a Shit stain on my heart
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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