the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
