Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
