How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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