ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
