I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm getting married
To pizza
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
