I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
