I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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