It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
