if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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