he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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